July 30, 2012

To be honest.

Perhaps I'm in one of those ornery moods to begin with (and thus ranting to the Internet may not be the wisest thing to do), but I have things on my mind.  What better to do with things on your mind then translate them into a blog post, right?

The thing plaguing me most lately is this feeling of being in between.  I'm not in high school, yet I'm not in college.  It's like I'm painfully wedged between two spheres and it gets more and more painful as time passes.  That's a strange analogy.  At least the visual should help articulate what I otherwise can't seem to express.  Let's see...it's like when in the action movie the hero's trapped between two compressing walls.  Miraculously, they escape.  But I'm not holding my breath for a miracle.  My college is not about to phone me up and say, "Hey, want to come to school early?  I mean, you're already paying an insane amount of money to us and you're not even here!"  No, of course not.

No, my saving grace will come in exactly a month, as scheduled, and not a moment sooner.  And I'm not sure how to combat this feeling of being wedged uncomfortably in the middle of two worlds.  I just know that it's bothering me, arguably more than it should, and I'm confused as to how exactly I should be responding.  The anxiety is seeping out of my body in nervy, ridiculous hand gestures or obsessive ideas about what I should be doing to prepare.  For instance, I've begun conducting inventory of all the stuff I intend to bring, including  clothes, decor, housewares, and bedding, some of which I'm still in the process of purchasing.  This seems like a good idea, and I plan to go through with it, yet in the light of day I question whether it's really necessary.  My older brothers certainly survived without it.

Currently, my friends and family here yank on my one arm; and with their words and actions, saturate my life with remembrances of the past and the present.  I know it's not healthy to try to live the future before it's happened.  Even so, I've already started day-dreaming about what a day would be like in the fall.  The reverie is soon broken, however, by reality settling in that my room needs cleaning or I that have to help with chores.

Meanwhile, my soon-to-be classmates and professors tug on my other arm; and with their virtual correspondences and intended actions, fool me into thinking I'm indeed living the future and I know or can predict what's going to happen.

That's the problem: there's a big question mark of uncertainty right now.  Looming right in front of me. I'm quite accurately staring at the blank page before me.  Goodness, I don't even know who my roommate is.  This is distressing, too.

And then I'll log onto Facebook and check my college's groups.  Yes, plural.  There's the official group sponsored by the college and the other student-driven one.  The main discussions with my class of 2016 across both have been essentially "what's your favorite movie/book/play/etc." or more annoyingly, "So-and-so is playing nearby.  Who's going with me?"

My initial impression to the latter was "Cool, hey!  People also like these bands that I like." Except now that I've stewed on it, I'm getting increasingly angry.  Maybe even a little resentful.  Who in their right minds thinks they'll have time to go to all these off-campus concerts their first semester?  I hope not to be drowning in assignments or readings myself, but I figure I can't exactly afford to spend a Monday night out late in another city.  Interesting I should use that turn of phrase "afford to spend" because that's my next question: are you just so financially sound that $45 (+ bus fare) is easy to discard?  Money really is not an object, in your mind?

That's the thing: I fear none of these people are thinking it through enough.  If I were to bet, it'd be that half of the people commenting "YES ME" will have to struggle to make it work or will have to bail on it entirely come late September/October.  Still, I don't pretend to know their lives or completely understand where they're coming from.  For all I know they do this kind of thing all the time and this would just be a change of scenery.  My feeling, though, is that there isn't much point in talking about these things a month+ before we even attend Orientation.

As a result, I've taken a backseat to most discussions, only occasionally answering the favorite question of the day or week or whatever but otherwise just letting these thoughts fester and make me all the more upset.

On top of all this, I've had feelings of self-loathing.  I know I can't sit and complain.  That's unproductive and silly.  But it's all I've had the inspiration to do lately and that also feeds into the negativity.  I've gotta break out of this cycle.

Thanks for reading.



  1. Don't let your college's groups get get you down! I went through the same thing last summer with my school's group. People added me as a friend and come school time we would awkwardly try to strike up conversation or pass each other (multiple times a day because my school is small) and not even acknowledge one another. Your real friends will be the ones you make in person; not the ones that happen to love the same band as you. My advice is to not accept any friend requests because if you don't hit it off in person, it will be hard to see their frequent posts in your feed once school starts if they seem to be having a better time than you/making more friends than you/just seem cooler than you. I say this from experience!

    As for the money question... I feel like we are in the same financial boat (going to pricey liberal arts colleges we probably can't afford), so I will give you my two cents (because that's all I have--I'm broke. YES I AM SO PUNNY). Like you probably do or will, I have a lot of "college student guilt." I don't feel like I deserve to be spending any money, because I am already going to my dream school in my favorite city ever. Even if you feel this way, remember that you DO deserve to have fun. Money doesn't equal fun. Remember that college is meant to be an experience. Preferably, a FUN experience. Do yourself good by getting out once in a while, even if it just means a coffee, cupcake, or movie. I am lucky enough to be a 15 minute shuttle away from downtown Portland, so I try to go every weekend, even if it's just to hang out in my favorite tea place and do homework or browse shops with friends.

    Whew, I am writing an essay-length comment. I just really connected with what you wrote here, so hopefully I could help a tiny bit. Maybe I will write a post about college tips, because boy do you learn a lot freshman year!

    Best of luck with everything!

  2. As far as blank pages and looming question marks, I'm in the same boat as you.

    Albeit, I'm not venturing down the collegiate path anymore but when I was I felt the same way about the groups. I say, just don't invest much into it. Don't plan TOO far ahead into anything. Just let things happen.

    Everything will work out. Don't self-loath. You're too awesome for that nonsense!


  3. Yeah, this whole in-between stage is a little weird. I've really just been ignoring the Facebook group because I know that's not going to help me make friends once I'm actually there. We'll see. I think the important thing to remember is that every new college freshman is going to be in the same boat.

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  5. I can't really relate to your college worries, being a young'un myself, but hang in there! Planning things is always a good idea, even if it's not necessary. Hopefully you can relax and look forward to the future while still living it up in the present C: And don't worry about complaining; everyone complains. Be happy! :)

    I love the word ennui. I actually already took the PSAT, and did fairly well (221), but most people say that's no indication of how you'll do on the actual SATs. I'm sure it'll be very fun.

    The problem is that I'm dating Zack, and I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend till I'm sixteen. There's been a lot of sneaking around. I can't talk about him, though, because my mom reads. You're lucky that your parents don't read your blog, and it's nice to have someone who does that can give you helpful advice C:

    Summer is a good time for adventures. Have fun with yours!

  6. Let me make this very clear. You will have more free time in college than you ever had back home during the first few months of college. The only way I got rid of my extra time (because it drives you crazy, having nothing to do), was to take on extra coursework. This was after joining three clubs on campus.
    That being said, making plans with people you haven't met yet on Facebook ends up being worthless. You make closer friends during your first few weeks than the ones you made on facebook. There are people I friended last summer from the RIT page that I never actually met with in real life.