Perhaps I'm in one of those ornery moods to begin with (and thus ranting to the Internet may not be the wisest thing to do), but I have things on my mind. What better to do with things on your mind then translate them into a blog post, right?
The thing plaguing me most lately is this feeling of being in between. I'm not in high school, yet I'm not in college. It's like I'm painfully wedged between two spheres and it gets more and more painful as time passes. That's a strange analogy. At least the visual should help articulate what I otherwise can't seem to express. Let's see...it's like when in the action movie the hero's trapped between two compressing walls. Miraculously, they escape. But I'm not holding my breath for a miracle. My college is not about to phone me up and say, "Hey, want to come to school early? I mean, you're already paying an insane amount of money to us and you're not even here!" No, of course not.
No, my saving grace will come in exactly a month, as scheduled, and not a moment sooner. And I'm not sure how to combat this feeling of being wedged uncomfortably in the middle of two worlds. I just know that it's bothering me, arguably more than it should, and I'm confused as to how exactly I should be responding. The anxiety is seeping out of my body in nervy, ridiculous hand gestures or obsessive ideas about what I should be doing to prepare. For instance, I've begun conducting inventory of all the stuff I intend to bring, including clothes, decor, housewares, and bedding, some of which I'm still in the process of purchasing. This seems like a good idea, and I plan to go through with it, yet in the light of day I question whether it's really necessary. My older brothers certainly survived without it.
Currently, my friends and family here yank on my one arm; and with their words and actions, saturate my life with remembrances of the past and the present. I know it's not healthy to try to live the future before it's happened. Even so, I've already started day-dreaming about what a day would be like in the fall. The reverie is soon broken, however, by reality settling in that my room needs cleaning or I that have to help with chores.
Meanwhile, my soon-to-be classmates and professors tug on my other arm; and with their virtual correspondences and intended actions, fool me into thinking I'm indeed living the future and I know or can predict what's going to happen.
That's the problem: there's a big question mark of uncertainty right now. Looming right in front of me. I'm quite accurately staring at the blank page before me. Goodness, I don't even know who my roommate is. This is distressing, too.
And then I'll log onto Facebook and check my college's groups. Yes, plural. There's the official group sponsored by the college and the other student-driven one. The main discussions with my class of 2016 across both have been essentially "what's your favorite movie/book/play/etc." or more annoyingly, "So-and-so is playing nearby. Who's going with me?"
My initial impression to the latter was "Cool, hey! People also like these bands that I like." Except now that I've stewed on it, I'm getting increasingly angry. Maybe even a little resentful. Who in their right minds thinks they'll have time to go to all these off-campus concerts their first semester? I hope not to be drowning in assignments or readings myself, but I figure I can't exactly afford to spend a Monday night out late in another city. Interesting I should use that turn of phrase "afford to spend" because that's my next question: are you just so financially sound that $45 (+ bus fare) is easy to discard? Money really is not an object, in your mind?
That's the thing: I fear none of these people are thinking it through enough. If I were to bet, it'd be that half of the people commenting "YES ME" will have to struggle to make it work or will have to bail on it entirely come late September/October. Still, I don't pretend to know their lives or completely understand where they're coming from. For all I know they do this kind of thing all the time and this would just be a change of scenery. My feeling, though, is that there isn't much point in talking about these things a month+ before we even attend Orientation.
As a result, I've taken a backseat to most discussions, only occasionally answering the favorite question of the day or week or whatever but otherwise just letting these thoughts fester and make me all the more upset.
On top of all this, I've had feelings of self-loathing. I know I can't sit and complain. That's unproductive and silly. But it's all I've had the inspiration to do lately and that also feeds into the negativity. I've gotta break out of this cycle.
Thanks for reading.